Morse of a different color

Blue Fireflies Hunting Elk

Photo by s58y (CC BY 2.0)

Some of the prettiest sights of summer are the swarms of fireflies that come out at night. In some parts of the world, their yellow, blue, and magenta lights are so bright that it's possible to read by them!

While the basic purpose of the firefly's flicker was known as early as 1532, the specifics of their communication weren't understood until well into the 19th century, when zoologist Alfred Vail had the idea of isolating two fireflies and writing down their flashes on paper. When he finally broke the code in 1829, he showed it to his friend Samuel Morse who, in a fit of Franklin-esque chicanery, stole it and took credit for its invention.

Morse, it turns out, had recently designed the first telegraph, and had been searching for a language for communicating messages with his new machine. This new "Morse code" fit the bill perfectly.

And as so often happens in history, Morse became a millionaire off of his stolen ideas, while Vail, the original inventor, died in debtors' prison.

A Cruel Tool

A few days ago, in my discussion of the origin of scissors, I criticized the pair of pliers, invented by Benjamin Franklin, because they were invented not out of innovation, but so that Franklin could liquidate his massive stockpile of individual pliers.
An astute reader points out that the pair of pliers, or Franklin Levers, did in fact offer a considerable improvement in the field of dentistry. But that's not the whole story. While Franklin's pliers were a step forward from the "poke and dig" strategy commonly used at the time, they were introduced several years after the Jefferson Painless Extractors - a decidedly more elegant solution. Unfortunately Jefferson's product was unable to withstand the shear brute force of Franklin's marketing juggernaut. A man who knew to pick his battles, Jefferson abandoned the project and moved on to other things.

Plier Plier Pants on Fire

In the early 18th century the scissor-and-plier was the tool of choice for both cutting and gripping - although it excelled at neither. It was not until 1721 that inventor Eli Muckleroy had the brilliant idea of combining a right-handed scissor with a left-handed one to create a new tool - the pair of scissors.
The considerably less useful pair of pliers was not invented until nearly 50 years later, when Benjamin Franklin acquired several warehouses full of unused single pliers. Always looking for a way to make a quick buck, Franklin assembled the surplus pliers into pairs and foisted them on the unsuspecting public.

A taste of his own medicine

One of the little things that always got in Benjamin Franklin's way was copyright law. Britain's Ministry of Contrivance and, later, America's own Office of Patent and Copyright, issued constant citations to Franklin, who had little patience for academic integrity. One thing which neither bureau could deny, however, was that as far as anyone could tell, Franklin's The Unsteady Colony (a largely forgotten 300 page account of the period from 1753 to 1759 when the Massachusetts Bay colony was caught in a power struggle between France and Britain) seemed to be his own work.
Ironically, that very composition itself fell prey to Franklin's specialty, plagiarism, over 200 years later. In 1954, science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard found himself in something of a time crunch. He had promised his publisher three novels, and had so far only completed one. Flipping through the old classics in search of inspiration, Hubbard stumbled upon Franklin's book. Desperate to make his deadline, Hubbard copied the text nearly word for word, altering it only to remove the obligatory thees and thous, and to change its setting. Thus, the British became the "Xenu", the French became "Betans", etc. The book, called "Dianetics", became the foundation for Hubbard's religion Scientology.
So who plays the part of George Washington in Hubbard's version? Risky Business actor, Tom Cruise.

Undeniable Fact: Nice Try, Fat Man!

According to a recent study by the American Inventors Association of America, over 70% of notable inventors have been named Eli. Academics have suspected such a trend for many years. In fact, in a pathetic attempt to bring success to his inventions, Benjamin Franklin once tried to change his name to Eli. He failed; the patent office simply wouldn't have it.

Undeniable Fact: Rub this on his flippers

It's sweat... sweat... that's why! All those woolen clothes, yes. I can see the sweat dripping down his forehead between his square little glasses and down his fat face. A wig would soak some of it up. But no wigs for him! Salty, wet. Sal-et... sawet... sweat. The summer of 1776 was hot, that's why! That's why... That's whyyyyyyyyy..... So brazen the way he always forced his inventions on the people. All because of sweat! A sweat monster! A sweat golem! On the grassy knoll there is a stenographer! He will tell you something about sweat, oh hoh, yes I assure you.

And then we'll be on the same page. Why does my thumbnail itch? I know the answer yet I look closer. And there is his fat bespectacled face. Right on my thumbnail. A prison for the scoundrel of scoundrels... but why on my very thumb?! How did I earn this two edged sword of honor and disgrace? Was I born into it? Or is the answer simpler, more elegant, more ... sinister.

Sweat. That's why. The bastard bathed in it his whole life, and now, thrown from his word-ties, he is sweat! He breathes it, eats it, drinks it, and kneads it with his toes. But the mother's milk-well has run dry. Salt on the lips. Need the elixir. But where to find it?

On my thumbnail! It is not that he cannot leave that prison, but that he dares not! That cuticle, that source of the tincture he craves. A suckling, greedy little pig, practically gnawing at my cuticle, all for a little sweat. How far the mighty have fallen!

He comes in his chariot, pulled by a thousand sasquatch, streaking across the sky. He has come to reclaim it. But my brow will be dry ... as a kite by then. I will construct a gossamer barrier out of my toenails! He will not see me, but the sasquatch know my scent. Where to hide? Where to hide? Wheeeeeeeeeeeere tooooooooooooo hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiddddde?

Burble, burble, burble, burble, burble, burble, burble, burble, burble, burble, burble, burble, burble, burble, burble, burble, burble, burble, burble, burble, burble, burble, burble, burble, burble, burble, burble, burble, burble.

Freezer burned. Damned hot pockets should come with a warrantee against freezer burn. What is this? Some secretion of the penguin? That explains why there are feathers everywhere! And who brought me this lemonade?

Got to swim! No time to rest. Swim to shore! Shore. Sure. Shawl. Shark. Shark? SHARK! Got to swim! Everybody out of the pool! Where did the water go?

Sweat! That's why! Always back to sweat.

Undeniable Fact: A Puppy Saved...

The first ever documented case of animal cruelty in America was reported in 1764. The culprit? You guessed it: Benjamin Franklin. Franklin, it seems, invented the sport of Puppy Slander. This barbaric practice continued for centuries after the portly rapscallion's death, and was only recently criminalized by the Animal Dignity Protection Act. The ADPA, incidentally, does not protect stray or crippled animals; a last vestige of Franklin's culture of cruelty.

Undeniable Fact: A Crime Against Nature

Some historians believe that the Sasquatch is a result of early breeding experiments between armadillos and raccoons conducted by Benjamin Franklin. In a stunning display of cowardice, Franklin himself claimed that the Sasquatch was merely a Native American legend

Undeniable Sunday Comics: Luneroids